4.)GUEST THOUGHTS-By Dr. Alan Goldberg

“The wonderful world of JEALOUSY”
-By Dr. Alan Goldberg 

Back to our freshman superstar: When
Jackie was a little kid her dad was a college
coach and from the time that she was old enough
to walk, she was virtually a full time gym rat.
She was always happiest when she was in the gym
dribbling and shooting. Her dream was to play big
time college basketball and unfortunately with
this dream and her precocious skills came a lot
of baggage that Jackie didn’t want. For example,
Jackie was totally embarrassed by all the press
she received. She didn’t give a hoot about the
headlines or all those statistics. The media
circus made her uncomfortable and she worried
about the impact all this attention would have on
her teammates. She just wanted to be left alone
so she could play the game that she loved. The
only attention that she privately cared about was
that from the college coaches. But she never
talked about this with anyone except her dad.

Interestingly enough Jackie handled all the
attention and fame very well. She kept a level
head and refused to think about herself as
special or better than anyone else. Don’t get me
wrong here. She knew that she was a better
basketball player than most everyone she played
with. The fact of the matter was that she
deserved to be. She worked three times as hard as
everyone else, all year long! She just didn’t let
her athletic dominance go to her head.
Unfortunately for Jackie, her coach, some of her
teammates and their parents didn’t handle the
girl’s success as well as she did. Their
experience was completely colored by their own
insecurities and jealousy. 

If you’re an athlete with a dream and you’re
willing to work harder than everyone else to
turn that dream into a reality, then there’s
one unfortunate thing that you can definitely
count on reoccurring over the course of your
athletic career. Like Jackie, at one or more
points during your career, you will run into
some rather unpleasant people who will
have a very hard time with your quest and the
success that it’s bringing you. Most of the time,
those threatened will be other athletes your age
or older who you have to directly compete
against. Sometimes these athletes will be
teammates whose role on the team is directly, and
in their mind negatively affected by you, your
work ethic and abilities. For example, because of
you they might not get to start, swim on the
relay, make the all start team or get all the
press. 

Sadly, at other times the people actually
threatened by you will be “adults,”
chronologically speaking. Most often these
“adults” will be other parents and their problem
with you will be pretty obvious and stimulated by
the fact that their son or daughter is either a
teammate or one of your chief rivals. In their
immature and small-minded way, YOU are their
problem because YOU are a threat to their
child-athlete. YOU are making their child
unhappy! YOU are starting instead of them. YOU
are consistently outperforming them. YOU are a
pain in everyone’s butt! They therefore feel that
YOU have somehow taken something very valuable
away from their child, and, by association, from
them. These “adults” view the world in terms of a
“win-lose” model. If someone other than their son
or daughter is successful, this somehow
diminishes or wounds their child, and by
extension, them. Much less common, the “adult”
sometimes threatened by your success is your own
coach. Yep! Hard to believe isn’t it? For
whatever reason your success might trigger some
old wounds in the coach. Perhaps in his/her
limited view of life, your talent and success is
interpreted as a blow to an already seriously
diminished self-esteem. 

Of course with all of those threatened by your
success, low self-esteem is almost always the
major engine that drives the jealousy that emerges
in these cases. Why would the senior captains on
Jackie’s team accuse her of being selfish in a game
where she had 9 points, 15 assists and 14 rebounds?
Are those the stats of a selfish player? Why would their
parents complain to the coach that the girl was
ruining their daughter’s all-important senior
season? Why would the four, much slower teammates
of a 14 year old swimmer confront her after
practice and blame her for destroying their
chances of getting a State cut? UGLY, LOW
SELF-ESTEEM DRIVEN JEALOUSY. Nothing more,
nothing less. 

On the surface, these unhappy people will never
directly admit that they are behaving badly towards
you because they are simply jealous. Obviously if
they were that in touch with their feelings to
acknowledge this, then they wouldn’t be treating
you like a “meadow muffin.” (For those of you
who have never seen a cow before this expression
refers to cow poop.) So instead of being able to say,
“I’m terribly sorry but I am acting like an idiot
right now because I’m jealous of you,” they have to
creatively make up a reason to adequately explain
why they are against you. I.e. “you’re selfish,
spoiled, hurting the team, you don’t pass enough,
you cheat, or you butter your bread on the wrong
side.” 

Here’s how low self-esteem driven jealousy usually
works: Let’s say that I don’t feel so good about
myself. If I have low self-esteem and I don’t really
believe in myself, then I am not going to be so willing
to do whatever it takes to be successful. I will be too
frightened to take risks, put it all on the line
and go for it. I will be too afraid to entertain
a dream for fear of failure. However, if I see
you over there doing just that, exactly what I’d
like to do but am too afraid that I’m not good
enough to do, then that will make me feel even
worse about myself. You and Your dream then
become my problem. If I’m immature, not nice
enough or, more likely, if I have very bad
parental role models, then I will naturally turn
to you as the primary source of all my problems.
After all, if YOU weren’t here working hard,
doing well, and stealing my starting position as
well as the limelight from me, then everything
would be just fine. So obviously this has to be
all YOUR fault! After all, YOU are the reason
that I am feeling so bad. 

Since the experience of low self-esteem feels so
rotten, the sufferer feels highly motivated to
try to make him/herself feel better. Unfortunately
this motivation is most often misguided. Rather
than working harder to improve herself, the low
self-esteemed individual chooses to go on the emotional
offensive in an immature and flawed attempt to
raise her self-esteem. Specifically, she begins
to strike out at the one person supposedly
causing all those bad feelings. The reasoning
behind this is simple. If she can make you feel
badly, then she will be able to feel just a
little bit better about herself. To do this she
enlists the aid of those around her, friends,
teammates, coaches and of course even parents.
She therefore lobbies hard to put together a
coalition in hopes of making you, her “stuck-up”
trouble-making teammate really pay. Perhaps she
gets her coalition of weaklings to ignore you,
refuse to pass you the ball, talk behind your
back, make sure that you’re not invited to any
social functions when everyone else is, or she
engages in some other highly “mature” behaviors.
(On the highway work crews put up appropriate
signs – MEN AT WORK, so that those in the area
can be aware of what’s going on and act
accordingly. Here too we should put up
corresponding signs: CAUTION: B - - - H AT WORK).

Personally I think that it’s a very sad
statement that those pursuing excellence appear
so threatening to so many others. That someone
else’s success can motivate you into acting like
a spoiled three year old is pitiful. However,
that’s life in this very fast paced and
competitive society where some people will do
almost anything to get ahead, even if it’s small
minded, nasty and dishonest. Where does that
leave you if you are the one being singled out
for this abuse and mistreatment? 

You must discipline yourself to travel the higher
road, which is a very hard one indeed. You must not
stoop to the level of the “little” people around
you. You must not strike back at them in the same
way that they are attacking you, even though it
might seem at the time to be the right thing to
do. You must, instead demonstrate grace and class
under pressure. What does this really mean? You
must be a good teammate to these individuals even
though they don’t seem to understand the concept.
You must remain a gracious, humble team player
regardless of how selfish or nasty they might act
towards you. You must continue to do your job to
the best of your ability, even if it means that
they will continue to remain unhappy with, and
attack you. 

Above all, you must make sure that you do not
play into their small minded games. Simply put,
you must keep a level head about your
success. You must not treat yourself as larger
than life. This kind of egocentric behavior will
only get you into more hot water with your
teammates and coaches, providing them with some
reality based ammunition to shoot at you. Feel as
confident as you’d like to on the inside.
However, in all your interactions with teammates
and others you want to maintain a self-effacing
modesty on the outside. Do not get caught up in
the trap of acting like you’re a legend in your
own mind. It’s both tacky and distasteful and
ultimately will bring you a world of grief.
Taking the higher road does NOT mean that you
simply turn the other cheek and let those around
you continue to abuse you. If your teammates are
being nasty to you, calmly and directly call them
on their behaviors. Ask them why it seems that
they are so angry with you or why they aren’t
passing you the ball even when you’re open. If
they accuse you of being selfish and stuck up,
ask them for concrete examples. “So let me get
this straight. You think that I’m selfish because
I scored 9 points and had 15 assists?” Do not
pretend that the nastiness isn’t going on. Call a
spade a spade! In a nice enough but firm way you
want to hold them accountable for their words and
actions. Cowards usually back down when they are
confronted in this manner. 

Of course the most important thing that you need
to do when confronted with this kind of situation
is to involve the coaches. Do NOT hide your
mistreatment from the coaches. It is their job to
know what is going on with the team dynamics and
to do something immediately to stop the
problematic behavior. You are NOT tattling on
your teammates when you do this, regardless of
what they might say to you. You are NOT being
weak. On the contrary, this is a sign of
strength. Team conflicts are a coach’s
responsibility, NOT just yours! You should never
be alone when dealing with this social nightmare.
If the coach is part of the problem and seems to
turn a deaf ear to you while continuing to
indirectly encourage your teammates’
mistreatment, then I suggest that you find
another coach to play for. To remain in a
situation where you’re being scapegoated by both
teammates and coaches is untenable. Get out
quickly! 

Also understand that even though you may feel
totally alone on your team, you’re NOT.
There are almost always other players who can see
exactly what is going on. They understand that
you are not this terrible, team destroying
influence. They understand that their own
teammates’ jealousies are driving their nasty,
immature behavior. They may not have the courage
to immediately say something or overtly support
you, but sooner or later they will come around.
Athletes who act like mean, spoiled little brats
are highly visible and embarrassing to themselves
and others. Their immature and catty behavior is
not lost on those around them. Sooner or later
some of your other teammates will feel ashamed to
be aligned with these crybabies and so will come
around to your side. Just be patient and conduct
yourself with class. 

Finally, under no circumstances should you ever
back down from your high level of play so that
you can better fit in or be more “accepted” by
the group. This is far too high a price to ever
have to pay for “belonging.” If you do that,
it’s like selling your soul to the devil. Besides,
what kinds of friends would ever want you to
deliberately hold yourself back from reaching
your potential so that they can feel better about
themselves? What kinds of friends would demand
that you let them win in order to remain in their
good graces? Certainly not the kinds of friends
that you’d really want to hang out with. Finally
keep in mind that you owe it to yourself and every
player on that team to keep your level of play up.
By playing to the best of your ability you will
invariably lift the level of play of all those
around you. Should you decide to deliberately
back down and play at half speed, you are not
only hurting yourself, but you’re hurting
everyone else, including all the crybabies who
are too immature to realize that having a great
player on their squad is the very best way for
them to improve the fastest!

Excerpted From:
The Mental Toughness Newsletter
December 2004 Volume 5
By Dr. Alan Goldberg

MORE FROM DR. ALAN GOLDBERG

goldberg@competitivedge.com

5.)MORE GUEST THOUGHTS-By Mike Brescia

-Chapter 64 of "Today Is Your Day To Win"

Success Leaves Clues

----------------------------------
Today's Empowering Quote
----------------------------------

"He who seeks advice seldom errs."
- Philippine proverb

----------------------------------
Today's Empowering Question
----------------------------------

"Who would know - where should I look for
the answer?

----------------------------------
Today's Fast Session
----------------------------------

The old cliché "Success leaves clues" is possibly
the most ignored pathway to achievement I know of.

Why?

In addition to not wanting to look
unknowledgeable, I think, a big reason is because
getting advice and answers often either costs
money, which people don't want to invest, or
time, which even fewer want to invest.

I say invest because whenever you "spend" time or
money on learning, you've given yourself the
chance to grow and become better now and in the
future at whatever you invested your time or
money in. And if you are better at something as a
result of your "spending" then you've made a wise
"investment."

The average person jumps head first into most
situations without knowing a thing about what
they're doing.

A great example of this is a story my uncle Dave
told me this past weekend.

You see, he and a friend took a fishing trip to
Canada a few weeks ago. Every guest in the lodge
they were staying in was there for the same
reason... great fishing.

Most of the guys there were fairly experienced
fisherman.

And that was their biggest problem.

They were just going to go up there and catch
more fish than they ever did before. Man, those
fish were just going to jump in the boat. We'll
just drop our line in and pull out the fish.

Right.

My uncle and his friend, also very experienced
fishermen, took a slightly different view.

They'd never fished that area before.

So, for $150 [$75 apiece], they hired a guide for
the first two entire days of their trip.

What they got was the experience of a 71-year-old
man who'd been fishing in that area his entire
life. He was an expert in that area. He showed
them which lakes, where on each lake to fish,
why, which lures, you name it.

Their results?

Well, consider this...

In a virtual fishing paradise, one guest in the
lodge that week caught just 6 fish all week long.

My uncle, with the advice of the guide, caught
294 Walleyed Pike during the same week fishing
the same lakes... more than any of the other
guests.

He told everyone about the guide.

So did anyone else hire a guide that week? Nope.
He told me that no one even asked him what he was
doing to catch so much. I guess they all just
thought he was getting lucky. Big egos.

This is a perfect parallel to how 97+% of all
people treat all aspects of their lives.

I see it every day. Everywhere. In all settings.
Obvious solutions to problems are just ignored.

If you want to reach an important goal in your
life, if you want to beat your competitors, if
you want to have great relationships... If you
want to excel at everything you do.

...Then you absolutely MUST get direction from
someone who's been there before, wherever "there"
might be.

Buy books and read them.

Ask experienced people for solutions and listen.

You might have already known 90% of the answer.
So what you have to listen for and hold dear is
the 10% you didn't know.

And use it.

I love going to amazon.com and reading the
reviews people post for books. So many people
give bad reviews because in their opinion, there
was "nothing new." What they don't say is that
all the "old" stuff, what now is generally
accepted, they don't even use that.

There is nothing wrong with hearing the same old
stuff. Because unless you use what you've heard
or read, you don't really "know" it.

Most tasks look easy on the outside, and they
are... IF you know what you're doing.

I wouldn't even dream, for instance, of trying to
put something together or learning a new piece of
software without having the instructions at my
side. But most people ignore them. And their
results show it.

Look, you may have an I.Q. in the stratosphere.
But if you aren't constantly looking to learn
what you MUST know to get your tasks done quickly
and effectively in EVERY part of your life, then
you are creating a destiny of almost doing a good
job, of coming close to finding happiness but not
quite getting there, of being known by everyone
including yourself as undependable. And with that
comes a poor self-image.

My purpose in writing this is for you to become
more and more of a person who is passionate about
learning what you MUST learn in order to set and
reach the little and big benchmarks on the way to
your dreams.

You just can't do it any other way. This isn't my
opinion. It's an immutable principle of life. To
deny this is to guarantee a high failure rate at
many things you attempt.

You don't want that. I know it.

So do this...

Make a list of your To-Do's for the next week.
Look at each item and ask yourself the question,
"Am I really good at doing this?" If the answer
is no, then before you start, write down all the
things you need to know and do to prepare before
you start. If you need some information, get it.

And get excited. Smile. Laugh. Because when you
get that info, when you learn the thing you
didn't know before and when you achieve your
outcome easier and with more joy than you ever
did before, you have expanded your knowledge,
your capabilities and your value to yourself and
others from that moment on.

Whenever you learn something new, no matter how
small, you just taught yourself that you can
achieve the largest of goals... the most amazing
of accomplishments... because what are big
accomplishments? Aren't they just many little
ones all piled up?

It's funny, huh?

Success at just about anything is amazingly
simple when you look behind the curtain. My uncle
was a high school drop out. He didn't even go for
weeks at a time.

But when he changed his view about learning, he
got his GED, went to college at night, got his
degree and ultimately became the highest paid
civilian employee in Central New York in the NYS
prison system.

In the process, he learned that learning is fun
and that in every single experience he has, there
is something he can take away from it to help him
make smarter decisions in the future... like
hiring a fishing guide when no one else would.

So, how many "fish" are YOU going to catch in the
next week?



************************************************
Today's Empowering Beliefs To Help Control
Your Thoughts
************************************************
If you want to change your life fast, even though
it might seem like it's slow, then take the
statements below, put them on index cards and
read them 3 times/day. Morning, noon and just
before you close your eyes at night.

They'll seep into your consciousness. And since
you'll be saying them so often, you'll soon begin
to believe them. That's how most beliefs start.
Spaced repetition of thought. Your attitudes will
then positively change your emotions, and you'll
be compelled to do more... And you'll love it.

If you own Think Right Now for Windows, just
paste them into the appropriate file or make a
new one -AND read them three times per day. Think
Right Now For Windows will help put this
re-scripting in overdrive.

------------------------------------------------

-- I love learning
-- Every experience I have gives me new lessons
for living
-- I have my eyes open to the learning opportunities
all around me
-- I see the value in every lesson I learn
-- I learn something new from everyone I meet
-- I'm effective because I learn what I need to know
to do the best job I can

-------------------------------------------------
To subscribe to receive the entire book
"Today is Your Day to Win" by email just go to the
following page and enter your contact info:

"TODAY IS YOUR DAY TO WIN"

EDITOR'S NOTE:  Signing up to receive this
free book by email on the above page WILL NOT
add you to our volleyball mailing list-Promise!!
------------------------------------------------

6.) A SPECIAL BONUS ARTICLE-From Jeff Jannsen

The Carolina Way:

Leadership Lessons from Coach Dean Smith

Legendary former Carolina men's basketball
coach Dean Smith and leadership expert
Dr. Jerry Bell team up to offer their
principles on effective coaching and
leadership in a relatively new book
called The Carolina Way. The book is
great for sports coaches and business
managers alike as both Coach Smith and
Dr. Bell offer their strategies for
leadership and team building. Here are
some quotes and concepts from the book
to keep in mind in 2005 as you lead your
team.

1. CARING

Coach Smith: The most important thing
in good leadership is truly caring. The best
leaders in any profession care about the people
they lead, and the people who are being led know
when the caring is genuine and when it's faked or
not there at all. I was a demanding coach, but my
players knew that I cared for them and that my
caring didn't stop when they graduated and went
off to their careers. (p.4) If you develop a
close relationship with a player, as we did, you
don't drop it just because the player's
eligibility is up. You don't forget them. I
wanted to stay in touch, and I'm always pleased,
thrilled, and interested when our former players
let me know what's going on in their lives. (p.
254)

The hallmark of the Carolina program is Coach
Smith's genuine life-time caring and concern for
all of his players, managers, and support staff.
As former player Phil Ford once said about Coach
Smith, " I got a coach for four years but a
friend for life." Obviously as a coach you care
about your athletes. But are you comfortable
showing them? Do they KNOW you care and not just
THINK you care? Showing your players that you
care about them is easy to do but you must make a
conscious effort to do it consistently. Ask them
about their families. Take an interest in their
school work or major. Have them over for dinner.
Talk about things other than your sport. When
athletes know that you care about them as people,
they will give you everything they've got as an
athlete.

2. WHAT DO YOU EMPHASIZE?

Coach Smith: At the top of the practice day was
an offensive and defensive Emphasis of the Day...
The players had to learn the Emphasis of the Day
and the Thought for the Day. They knew I might
call on them in practice to repeat them. If they
didn't respond correctly, the entire team ran. If
I thought a player was trying to avoid eye contact
with me during my opening remarks at practice, I
probably would call on him. I often called on
freshmen. It was gratifying to observe the young
players memorizing the Emphasis of the Day and the
Thought for the Day while they stretched before
the start of practice. If there's an emphasis but
it's not enforced, it becomes counterproductive.
(pgs. 75-76)

Northern State men's basketball coach Don Meyer
has a great phrase: [It's not what you teach,
it's what you emphasize.] In order for concepts
to truly sink in with today's athletes, you must
constantly emphasize, restate, and repeat them.
Teaching them once is not enough. The great
coaches like Dean Smith find a way to
continuously emphasize their core principles and
philosophies in new and exciting ways. Think
about adding a Thought and/or Emphasis for the
Day as you plan your practices in 2005. And if
you want to make sure your players to get it,
enforce that they know it too.

3. SENIOR LEADERSHIP

Coach Smith: Senior leadership was crucial in
having a confident team. Those players had been
in our program for four years and knew what we
wanted and what it took to get it. They were able
to mentor the younger players and give them a
heads up on what to expect in different situations,
especially on the road, where we faced hostile crowds.
(p. 238)

Dean Smith gave a lot of responsibility to his
senior class through the years. They were in
charge of making and enforcing the rules for the
program. And it was up to them to mentor the
youngsters and show them the ropes along the way.
Developing a responsible group of upperclassmen
will have a positive ripple effect on everyone
associated with your program. As Tommy
Tuberville, head football coach of the 12-0, 3rd
ranked Auburn Tigers, said about the importance
of leaders: "It's probably been my easiest season
as a head coach because of the great senior
leadership this team has."

4. CLASS Coach Smith: A lion never roars after a
kill. (p. 42)

Whether the proliferation of taunting, flamboyant
celebrations, and other attention-seeking antics
by today's athletes is due to it being
highlighting on ESPN's Sports Center or
incorporated into today's video games, it's
classless. The most respected athletes let their
play do the talking rather than woofing about it.
Encourage your athletes to conduct themselves
with class whether they are winning or losing.
Help them to understand that it's okay to
celebrate when they make a big play but to act
like they've done it before - instead of rubbing
it in their opponents' faces. Remind them that
they don't want to give your opponents any
additional motivation for the next time you meet.

5. PRIORITIES/PERSPECTIVE

Former player Scott Williams on Coach Smith:
Winning was very important at Carolina, and there
was much pressure to win, but Coach cared more
about our getting a sound education and turning
into good citizens than he did about winning. (p. 159)

Former player Pete Budko on Coach Smith: On the
occasions when we didn't win, he would tell us
there were two billion people in China who didn't
care one bit about the outcome of our game.
Perspective!

-Excerpted From:
JANSSEN PEAK PERFORMANCE UPDATE
January 2005

MORE FROM JEFF JANSSEN

7.) A FINAL THOUGHT-By Sean Furey

Who Says Mistakes Are Bad?

You would be surprised at the number
of people who think of themselves as worthless.
They don't know how to cope with failure. They're
always under stress, often thinking the world is
coming to an end.

How about a little does of self-worth - and
self-confidence.

Anna Freud, the daughter of Siggy, and the
founder of child psychoanalysis, said, "I was
always looking outside myself for strength and
confidence but it comes from within. It is there
all the time."

Confidence gives you the capacity to get by your
mistakes. Just leave failure on the ground and
start climbing the ladder of success.

Confidence is not something you go and get. It's
not at the mall, or the supermarket.

Confidence is a force - a source of energy within
you.

Dr. Maltz says that your principal goal in life
is to live and be happy, and that confidence is a
state of happiness that is "a goal in itself."

Imagine that you are already there.

Live and re-live the positive experiences from
your past.

Your mind cannot tell the difference between a
true experience, and one that you have imagined.

You can store up confidence like electric power
and use it on demand.

Once you have acquired the habit of confidence,
success isn't far behind.

Article Provided By:

Sean Furey
Matt Furey Enterprises, Inc.
info@psycho-cybernetics.com

MORE FROM SEAN FUREY

Until Next Time-
Take Care Everyone!!

Dave Cross
Editor
“Yes, I Can!” Basketball Newsletter

EMAIL DAVE To contact Stan Kellner: EMAIL STAN PH: 631-751-3513 FAX: 631-751-3589 VISIT OUR NEW ON-LINE STORE ***Enjoy HOT New Motivational Articles, Drills, Tips And Much More In Your Email By Subscribing To Our FREE Monthly "YES, I CAN!" BASKETBALL NEWSLETTER!*** BONUS!! Subscribe NOW And Get FREE EXCERPTS From Our Nationally Acclaimed Book, "Beyond the Absolute Limit", Too!! "YES, I WANT THE "YES, I CAN!" BASKETBALL NEWSLETTER!" P.S. Feel Free to Forward This Newsletter to a Friend or Two-They'll be Glad You Did!! VB CAMP INFO BB CAMP INFO CAMP SCHEDULE GUEST SPEAKER INFO CONTACT ENDORSEMENTS BEACH VOLLEYBALL HOME LINKS STORE OUR DAILY MESSAGE OUR DAILY FITNESS CENTER FREE NEWSLETTERS DR. ROB GILBERT STRENGTH TRAINING